How to Be Old and Content: The Zen Art of Radical Acceptance

It's all about acceptance. If I had to name the most vital component to a happy, vigorous, old age, I would say without hesitation, it's acceptance.

Accept old age. Start with a firm acceptance of your situation: "I'm old." Then tell yourself the truth about the good and the bad, and live your life to the fullest.

Accept old age the way a child accepts her mother. I have found that if I accept old age, life is better for me. But it took a while for me to come to that realization.

The Journey to Awareness: Discovering Old Age at 68

Until then, I had never thought much about it. I was old but didn't know it. I was in denial. I was feeling some effects of old age, sore knees, reduced energy, and the like, but just moving on with my life as if I were still 55. I was Mr. Inbetween.

Navigating the "Bardo" of Aging

In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a term called Bardo, which refers to a gap in existence — a bridge between the states of death and rebirth. Bardo is the central subject of The Tibetan Book Of The Dead. And also the subject of one of my favorite films: Jacob's Ladder.

Other than death, the Bardo is often used to represent any in-between state, such as my situation at 68. I was well past middle age, but had not yet experienced my rebirth into my Autumn and Winter years.

I was old but still acting young, not wanting to be old, grey, weak, feeble, retired, out to pasture, or any of the other ageist ideas about old age that had been implanted in my mind since I was a child. Researchers have called these old-age memes "everyday ageism."

Overcoming Internal Ageism

I didn't want to be old, because in my mind, it was all downside — if I was old, my life was over. Of course, that was nonsense, but that was the underlying reason why I resisted being an "older gentleman" or a "senior." I was suffering from a sort of internal ageism.

But 13 years later, I have been reborn. I haven't solved my problems — they have increased—but at least now I'm living in reality at 81, having accepted who I am — an "older gentleman," as a polite young person might say, and I would accept it.

I have learned to accept old age with optimism, yet grounded in the reality that unpleasant things will happen to weaken me and slow me down. Living in the reality of old age takes courage. But the gain is worth the pain.

Mother Nature and the Wisdom of the Tao

Accept old age the way you would a snowstorm or a flood. You wouldn't shake your fist in anger at a snowstorm. You'd just put on your coat and shovel your sidewalk.

Old age is, to borrow a legal term, an act of God. It's gonna happen, and you don't have anything to say about it. Ten years of working out at the gym or rubbing anti-aging cream into your arms won't stop it. I can't fight Mother Nature — she's faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive!

Mother Nature represents the power of the natural world — feminine power. And in Chinese philosophy, the Tao represents the ultimate principle underlying the universe, a feminine power. The Tao Te Ching often talks about the Tao as feminine.

"The Tao is called the Great Mother:
empty yet inexhaustible,
it gives birth to infinite worlds.
It is always present within you.
You can use it any way you want."
— Tao Te Ching, Chapter Six

The key to thriving in old age is to tap into our feminine powers of love and acceptance, and apply them to ourselves — and others.

The Zen of Powerlessness: Aging as a "Root Canal"

I am dealing with more dental procedures than I can afford. I need two implants and two bridges. Yesterday, while I was in the dentist's chair, I had the thought that old age is like getting a root canal.

You are powerless for an hour or more, and the only way to get through it without too much pain or fear is to relax and trust. If you tense up and fight the situation, you will be miserable. Old age is similar, but unlike a root canal, it lasts for decades.

It is a time when you lose more and more control over your life each year. Illness happens, loved ones and friends die. The Buddha was realistic when he said, in the First Noble Truth, that life is filled with suffering. Old age will be better if you accept it like a root canal — relax and don’t resist the process. It’s happening anyway. So you might as well relax.

The Zen Solution: Mindfulness and Movement

Accepting the moment leads to fearlessness. The only way I know to be fearless is to live in the moment, as the Zen masters of old advised. "Just chop your wood and carry your water." Don't think about doing something — just do it.

When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, rest. Since fear and worry are almost always about the future, spend your time in the here and now. When you are fearful, stop and focus on your breath for a few minutes. Or walk around the block.

Gratitude: The Final Stage of Acceptance

I was born in 1944 and am 81 today. About 60 percent of people born in my birth year are still alive today. For me, every sunrise is a gift. Each morning before I get out of bed, I should thank God, the universe, the Tao, or Mother Nature for allowing me another year on Planet Earth.

All of us, whatever our age, should be thankful we are alive in human form. Out of the 100 to 400 billion stars in our Milky Way galaxy, we were lucky enough to be born on one that supports life. We hit the cosmic lottery, and we don't even know it.