Why Chasing Attraction Pushes It Away (and What to Do Instead)
We often chase attraction like moths drawn to a flame—believing that if we can master the right look, the right attitude, or the right lifestyle, we will naturally draw people in. Society feeds us an endless supply of solutions: the perfect skincare routine, the ideal wardrobe, the latest fitness trend. But what if attraction isn’t something to be hunted down? What if, instead, it emerges naturally when we stop chasing it?
Taoism, the ancient Chinese philosophy that embraces paradox and effortless flow, offers a different perspective. It suggests that attraction isn’t about external changes—it’s about alignment with our true nature.
The Pursuit That Repels
We chase attraction because we associate it with success—relationships, respect, love, and opportunities. But paradoxically, the more we chase, the more it eludes us.
Lao Tzu, the founder of Taoism, describes this in the Tao Te Ching:
"The more laws and restrictions there are, the poorer people become... The more one tries to control, the more out of control things become."
Consider someone at a party trying too hard to be liked, or a salesperson whose pitch feels desperate. The effort itself creates resistance. When we strive for attraction, we often appear unnatural, needy, or inauthentic—pushing people away rather than drawing them in.
Wu-Wei: The Power of Effortless Action
At the heart of Taoism is wu-wei, often translated as “non-action” or “effortless action.” It doesn’t mean doing nothing—it means acting in harmony with the natural flow.
Think of the most charismatic people you know. They aren’t trying to be charismatic. They are simply themselves, engaged in what they love. Their charm is a byproduct of their alignment, not their intention.
This is wu-wei. It’s like a musician lost in the rhythm of a song, a conversation so engaging that time disappears, or a person deeply present in their own being. When we stop performing and start existing, attraction naturally follows.
Empty Your Cup: Let Go of Preconceptions
There’s a Zen story of a professor visiting a master to learn about Zen. As the professor spoke, the master continued pouring tea until it overflowed. The professor objected, and the master replied:
"Like this cup, you are full of opinions. How can I teach you Zen unless you empty your cup?"
Many of us approach attraction with a “full cup”—preconceived notions of what makes us desirable. We are so focused on projecting an image that we leave no room for genuine connection.
Empty your cup. Let go of scripted behaviors and expectations. When we interact with an open mind—without trying to impress or fearing judgment—we create space for true connection.
The Uncarved Wood: Returning to Your Natural State
Taoism teaches the principle of pu, or the “uncarved wood”—symbolizing our natural, unshaped state before society molds us.
Children embody this perfectly. They don’t self-monitor when they play, dance, or express themselves. They are fully present, unfiltered, and magnetic because of it.
How can we return to this state? By noticing when we’re acting instead of being, when we’re molding ourselves to please others, and gently letting go of these habits. The more we embrace our raw, unedited selves, the more effortlessly we attract the right people into our lives.
The Value of Emptiness: Creating Space for Others
Taoism reminds us that value often lies in emptiness:
"We shape clay into a pot, but it is the empty space that makes it useful."
Charismatic people don’t dominate conversations. They create space, listen deeply, and allow genuine connection to emerge. They don’t rush to fill silences or seek constant validation. Their presence alone invites openness.
True attraction isn’t about filling space—it’s about making space.
Balancing Yin and Yang: The Harmony of Presence and Power
Attraction isn’t just about confidence (yang); it also requires receptivity (yin). Assertiveness must be balanced with openness, and strength with vulnerability.
In modern society, attraction is often associated with dominance—being the loudest, the most confident, the most assertive. But true connection also requires the quiet power of stillness, of listening, of allowing.
Practice balancing these energies. If you’re always striving forward, try stepping back. If you often yield, try standing your ground. True charisma is found in this harmony.
How to Apply These Ideas in Daily Life
✔ Be Present – When talking to others, put away distractions. Listen with full attention. Make eye contact. Be genuinely engaged.
✔ Engage in Flow Activities – Lose yourself in music, art, movement, or anything that immerses you fully. Attraction arises naturally in these moments.
✔ Reduce Social Media Use – Platforms encourage performance over authenticity. Take breaks and observe how differently you feel when not curating your image.
✔ Cultivate Genuine Interests – Passion is magnetic. Pursue what excites you without worrying if it’s impressive.
✔ Embrace Discomfort – Dance in public, express yourself boldly, do things that stretch your comfort zone. Authenticity grows through experience.
✔ Let Go of Outcomes – When meeting new people, focus on the interaction itself rather than impressing them. Presence is more powerful than performance.
Final Thought: Attraction is Found in Authenticity
The most profound insight Taoism offers is this: Attraction isn’t something you chase—it’s something you allow.
It requires courage. The courage to stop performing, to trust that who you are is enough, and to let go of the exhausting cycle of validation-seeking. But the alternative—constant self-monitoring, endless effort, and the fear of not being enough—is far more draining.
When you align with your true nature, you align with the Tao. And this alignment has a power that no amount of effort can manufacture.
Empty your cup. Be uncarved wood. Flow like water. And watch as the right people naturally come to you. 🌊✨
